Intezaar

I am nervous. Its been 3 long years since I had seen you. Since I held your hands passionately and kissed your lips. Its been 2 years since I had talked to you over the phone or on internet. Its been 1 year since the last of the emails reached my mail box, and the reply to which got lost in oblivion.

I have heard about you, in every friend gathering. I have handled zillions of questions related to you.. quite diplomatically. Without having to say the obvious which I kept hidden like a little secret like so many we had. Those little secrets we always had. I knew you are alright. I knew your life grew out of the path that I had chosen and that, divergence was the fate we had, was pretty clear to me.

I had relinquished the company of known faces. People with unknown names and background gave comfort to me. You know, when you keep on meeting newer people, you don’t have to answer personal questions. I had even confided in those people whom probably I would never meet again, to talk about life, to talk about the pain it throws your way. In many ways those strangers were a man (woman in some cases) with golden heart. Many of them told me the eternal truth of Geeta, that whatever happens is for good. I wasn’t looking for reassurance though. But it was relief for me, to let some oxygen enter the closed ventricle of my heart. Where there was nothing, now there is a bit of blood circulation.

For three years now, slowly but steadily I had to meditate to get my mind back on living. I was depressed for a long time. I was mad at myself. I felt guilty and at the same time tried to reason out my own bail. I remembered all that was said between you and me. I thought of all the close moments once the bulb is switched off in my bedroom. I thought of all the fights that torn us apart. Most of the cases I felt it was my fault. But that was too late for a confession. Or rather, that self acknowledgement was a mere act of reconciliation, something to get things straighter than what they were at that time.

I wanted to feel you by my side by taking deep breaths and the smell wasn’t there anymore. I wrote down numerous mails…then deleted them. I never called as all the previous efforts of talking had failed and turned into a dull exchange of silence.

Now that I am waiting here, at the arrival lobby of this airport, I do not know whether you will glow up seeing me there. Whether you will recognise me here. None told me you are coming. I came on my own. Overhearing someone saying this. You may choose to ignore me. You may even turn away if you happen to see me by chance. I felt a sudden surge of adrenalin rushing through my body. The tea cup I was holding was too hot to be held in control. Hence I threw it out. I looked away, there you were.

And then you smiled at me.