Lonely!! I am so lonely

I sometimes feel so alone in this whole world. Its an uncanny and fearsome feeling. Especially when you feel so even during you are hanging out with friends, roaming the streets with as many as ten people…it scares the hell out of you. I don’t know many people who think like me. May be many do but few speak out.

This is increasingly getting intense in me. Not that I crave for company of people. Most of the time I will choose solitude than people giving me company if I am given a choice. That is most of the time. I have seen times when I desperately avoid people, at the same time craving for more. And throughout my life, the people I have craved for, are the ones who never became close to me. It’s a big irony and I don’t know why, but it is that way.

Hey readers, don’t get me wrong here. I am not talking about some boring one sided love thingy. It’s the friends you have around you.

There have been phases in my life when I have thought that I have found the one friend I want. My illusion has broken soon. Atleast three to four times I have thought in my life that this fellow thinks like me, and yet we could never become friends. You might say like a wise ass : perceptions are deceptive. But that doesn’t solve the problem that I am alone.

Some nights I walk alone the streets of Chennai. Some nights I take my bike out. I breeze past the well lit streets, the happy shopping malls, the churches, the café coffee days, the grinning couples, the kissing brides, the shabyatras and doldrums of the city life, and yet, everything freezes down. Everything just stops. And then I look around, there is none. A dark cover comes over the face of the city. Some scumbags here and there. A little law and a lot of anarchy.

When I was a kid, I always enjoyed my solitude. My little room, my small music system, my bookshelf and my own summer afternoons. I still search for those. Unfortunately none could be found!