Lonely!! I am so lonely

I sometimes feel so alone in this whole world. Its an uncanny and fearsome feeling. Especially when you feel so even during you are hanging out with friends, roaming the streets with as many as ten people…it scares the hell out of you. I don’t know many people who think like me. May be many do but few speak out.

This is increasingly getting intense in me. Not that I crave for company of people. Most of the time I will choose solitude than people giving me company if I am given a choice. That is most of the time. I have seen times when I desperately avoid people, at the same time craving for more. And throughout my life, the people I have craved for, are the ones who never became close to me. It’s a big irony and I don’t know why, but it is that way.

Hey readers, don’t get me wrong here. I am not talking about some boring one sided love thingy. It’s the friends you have around you.

There have been phases in my life when I have thought that I have found the one friend I want. My illusion has broken soon. Atleast three to four times I have thought in my life that this fellow thinks like me, and yet we could never become friends. You might say like a wise ass : perceptions are deceptive. But that doesn’t solve the problem that I am alone.

Some nights I walk alone the streets of Chennai. Some nights I take my bike out. I breeze past the well lit streets, the happy shopping malls, the churches, the café coffee days, the grinning couples, the kissing brides, the shabyatras and doldrums of the city life, and yet, everything freezes down. Everything just stops. And then I look around, there is none. A dark cover comes over the face of the city. Some scumbags here and there. A little law and a lot of anarchy.

When I was a kid, I always enjoyed my solitude. My little room, my small music system, my bookshelf and my own summer afternoons. I still search for those. Unfortunately none could be found!

poriborton

akash ta ajkal neel nei jeno
ektu ki fyakashe lage na?
dhnoa jetuku ure mishe jai kolkatar bukete
sei gondho ta ar baki thake na

e sei gondher kotha bolchi ami
jake buke tene bishonno batash
mati te norom hat bulie dito
gaye makhie dito meyeder deergho shwash

ghorar keshor gulo elomelo kore dito
sei haoa ta ajo boi naki? moidan jure?
dupur e nidra jeto shohor er pran,ase
chola bhaja becha dokanir chokh jure

ekhono protikkha kore keu keu,
bhabe bodol er bodol hobe konodin
niswa dhulo mesha strand road e tanga
sobdo tulbe ghorar naal er orthoheen

bose theke theke prostor hoe jabo ami
ektu ektu kore ter pai buke
nihsobde hana dichhe faka gohbor
chokh duti gachhe kotore dhuke

chokher majhe sei neel ta dekhte pai
jei neel hariechhe akasher theke
sei haoa boye jai jothore jothore
ke jane khuje more kake

ekhono chhelemanushi kotha ase mukhe
gombhir protyuttor muchhe dai hasi
ekhono uttejona neche othe shirai
nei bhalobasa makha sei chumu rashi

matal er lekha

maal kheyechhe matale
gachh bhorti kanthale
gof bhorti tel lagale
ki na bole chhagole
ki na khai paagole

botol kholo whiskyr
charpashe te jome bheer
chain khola N'murthyr
pentul khule nache meer
mane binei kori bir bir

chokh holo dhulu dhulu
dunia ke gelam bhulu
botol shes chai more chulu
ekta meye ke boli ILU
thappor khey chotkai ghilu